Penn Yan, New York (Combined News Services) ~ Despite the recent cancellation of the Wooden Stock 50th Anniversary Festival in the nearby Glen of Sir Watkins, event organizer Vlad the Impaler insists the celebration is still on. King Plebeian of the Finger Lakes canceled the event just last week, claiming that it is immoral to celebrate the invention of the medieval restraint device, while Impaler claims the King has no right to cancel the festival unilaterally.
The development adds an intriguing twist to the events in and around Keuka Lake the weekend of August 16-18. Many have speculated that Impaler has his sights set on destabilizing the 7th Annual Peasantman Steel Distance Triathlon in nearby Penn Yan, which takes place on the 18th. Impaler, the former Prince of Wallacchia infamously known for his cruelty during the middle ages, was recently banned from Peasantman after it was discovered that he inquired about volunteering for the event under a fake name. He also had been previously rejected as a Peasantman sponsor after race organizers noted that his company, Sharp Wooden Pole Inc., did not appear to comply with Peasantman safety standards.
Peasantman founder Joe McMahon, citing safety concerns, condemned Impaler's actions. "Here's a guy known for inflicting unimaginable pain and suffering on his victims. Then he sets up this festival honoring the invention of a torture device - on the same day as our race in the same area. No doubt he did this as retribution."
Wooden Stock 50, a celebration of the invention of wooden stocks fifty years ago, was advertised as "three days of pain and music" - an occasion where peasants could get locked in wooden stocks and starve themselves - all whilst listening to their favorite chamber music.
The event was beset by troubles from the start. Many have complained that the outlandish price of twelve shillings would shut out too many peasants. Some had noted the similarities to last year's Flame Festival, when thousands of peasants were promised eternal youth, only to be brought by ship to a deserted island and forced to eat spoiled unicorn meat.
"Vlad needs to give it up. He's tarnishing his legacy," said John of the Vineyard, a peasant from nearby Hammondsport. "It's obvious he's losing his judgment. At this point he's just beating a dead centaur."
Mr. Impaler declined to respond to a recent scroll.
A participant of the original Wooden Stock Festival fifty years ago.