Next Event: August 20, 2023 Penn Yan, New York

Pisa, Italy (Combined News Services) ~ Galileo Galilei announced yesterday that he plans to watch the Peasantman Steel Distance Triathlons festivities this August from the Leaning Tower of Pisa through his new image-enlarging contraption he refers to as a 'telescope,' a fad device that will doubtfully lead to anything important. 

Galileo, who until recently was rumoured to have been pondering attendance at the event, instead cited family responsibilities as his reason for not attending. "Well, my dog was sick, and then I was banished from society, and some other stuff happened, and one thing led to another, and things just got crazy man. But I got this sweet new telescoping pipe that I can look through." 

Galileo generated controversy recently by reiterating his belief that the earth is round, and for suggesting that the common phrase "all aflat the world" should be replaced by the new phrase "all around the world." When pressed on how he could possibly view the race from so far away on a round planet, Galileo clarified how his theory would work to make this possible. 

"You see, the earth is round," said Galileo. "But it's only round like a pizza. From the sky, it's round. But from the side, it's flat. Imagine the Tower of Pisa as that little plastic table thingy that sits on top of the pizza and keeps the delivery box from squashing it. Then tip it a little. Then imagine a piece of pepperoni on the other end as being Penn Yan. Some reeeeeeally good pepperoni. My tripod is busted right now, so to get the correct angle I need to get up in the tower and kinda rest the telescope on a window sill." 

"Although we had hoped that Galileo would be in attendance at the event, we certainly can understand his reasons to watch from elsewhere," Peasantman founder Joe McMahon said in a press release. "We hope to continue our relationship with Galileo in the future and we wish him good luck."